cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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