So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
