Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
this will be a night to untag.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
