im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
