You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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