The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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