i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
