Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
