Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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