i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
