I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
