I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
