Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
