when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
