If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
