You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
