He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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