the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
