I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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