my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Randomize
