The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
