I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
