Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
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There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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