it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
