I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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