so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
