I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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