I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
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she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
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Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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