oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
