ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
