census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
