Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm sobbing to NWA
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
