I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
