Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
