Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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