I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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