well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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