Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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