I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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