Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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