Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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