I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
3 2 1 whiskey
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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