I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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