on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
