If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm too high and old for this...
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