you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
