what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
