true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
