But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
