That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
