So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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