Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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