A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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