Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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