So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
