All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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