if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
