just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
