i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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